What are friends?

I don’t know. Never had one. It’s too abstract for me.

I HAVE NEVER HAD A FRIEND. AND CHANCES ARE THAT I NEVER WILL.

I cannot have friends. I wasn’t born to be a great communicator or someone who could build and maintain relationships. I was born to be eternally alone. I feel it everyday. I can never have that true friend. Or any really. And I will tell you all something.

No matter how nice or kind someone may seem, or may actually be – NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND TRUE DEPRESSION, DISTURBANCE OF THE MIND, SOCIAL ANXIETY AND REAL LONELINESS. Very Very few people can – only those who have suffered themselves to the point where it has killed their mind and soul. NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND.

I’m not saying some people are not nice and kind. They are and many are. But for a natural loner like me, no one is kind and nice.

It seems words are everything. I am a person of very few words, even with the people I “know”. I hardly have any words and can never talk about something. I don’t have words to share.

I am a person of very few words. And all the communication seems to be through speaking of the words. Which I don’t have. Is it ok?

I don’t know. But the fact remains that I will be forever alone. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

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I want to marry myself

I wish I had a clone (mentally a clone) of the opposite sex. I would marry him. I wish to marry/be with a person with almost exact thoughts/views as me and that’s nearly impossible. There can’t be such a person.

However, I wish that mental clone of mine wouldn’t have my negative traits such as depression, anxiety, social anxiety, agoraphobia. He should be very confident, unlike me. He should not be as disturbed as me, but same views on things and same desires and aim of life and interests. He should be able to do all the things I couldn’t and engage me in them too.

I could be myself with him, completely, make the lamest jokes and he would laugh. We could have “our” kind of fun, completely different from rest of the world.

And so on and so forth.

But since that’s not possible in this world, unfortunately, I want to marry myself. I could marry myself and imagine that clone in my mind for the rest of my life.